Is it worthy and are you worthy is two different question that keeps me pondering for awhile now. No matter how much I try to ignore, there's always a chance, a sentence or an incident that spark it, light it and even burn it up again and again.
I always try to distance myself with negativity because I know this do no good to me. Though I'm no near to an old folk or an experience wise person but I certainly understand how much I changed through my teenage days, the effort my parents and I put into to make me who I am today. I know I look silly with all the positive optimistic hype I portray and being noisily talkative at times (I'm taking baby steps to be a good listener, fail most of the time, still constantly trying) but you don't know the old me, I hate the old me anyway so let just keep it in the past.
Stepping into the working industry for 5 months, I start to develop myself with more skills on people management. A long way to go but definitely a path you must conquer as much as you dislike it. People are certainly complicated, you can hardly find that sweet kind people you met in your school like everywhere, those people don't exist anymore (describe a little extreme to had that oomph :P). That's why when you are still a kid, you often heard adult advice you to cherish your study moment and you never believe that until you step foot on the same stage (working to earn money, to support your own life) because you never like those boring books and you never understand the importance of study, but now you understand it all at once. I'm really glad that I gave myself a very long break travelling and doing what I love after graduate before I step foot into the working arena. Don't get me wrong, I still love my job.
I never know how to differentiate good people to the bad ones. I'm lucky to always had a friend to alert me to dangerous people. I'm always blessed with the sincere friend who surrounds me and gave me support whenever I need and to remind me that I'm not alone.
I recently watched a video regarding two-sided face people and some points certainly make me ponder again (my life is all about self-reflection). *smack head* It started by asking who had only one side, and it continue with elaboration on are you treating your parents, you spouse, your siblings, your friends, your colleague and stranger the same, you start to wonder aren't this common to be not the same, aren't this nature? Hmm... I definitely treat everyone differently, you just can't treat your spouse like how you treat your children, your parents and your boss I guess?
So talking about measure worthiness, this struck me more often these days as people in the company talk about leaving, hearing more and more negative news basically about everything and I start to doubt all the choices I made in life.
I wonder if I make the right decision to enter the company. Choosing to start my journey with a small company instead of stepping into a bigger or multinational company. The difference between small and big company definitely is the job scope as the manpower and size of the company itself is already a lot different but I guess much lesser politic issue here (you can't wipe it all because people tends to not want to take responsibility what more with the KPI set and who else love to blame themselves for the mistake made with so many possibilities and other factors involve, you don't get to pin-point that mistake to one in 100% so the pushing blame game go for a merry-go-round and see who is the bad luck ones, hmph). Oh, another add-on, I personally feel people are childish here, having bound here for their whole life and never seen the real world with even terrible insight hence complain all those little things that sometimes irritating. I just couldn't get along with immature people.
I wonder if I entered the right department. I don't exactly know how every department works but definitely what I currently working on is different from what I initially planned. Entering a factory and working on production seeing how food being processed is one of the factors why I study food technology. They said production is tough, they need to synergy with so many other departments, which gets me interested. I never love to settle, challenges always pump me up, I love to learn probably by practical not much of a theory book people. I'm blessed that the boring work - quality control I'm working is still not a stabilised department, therefore, lots to play around, modified around and work around. Been preparing that documents for more than two months now and is no where near to ready. Yes, computer and typing, so much a secretary life I used to had back then in high school, they just never leave me. My work now is still interesting but I don't want my whole life to get bound to only these if you understand what I trying to convey.
I wonder if people treat me by sincere or with motives. Because I just hate liar! I don't care if it's a kind lie of whatever bullshit you want to make it as an excuse, a lie is still a lie and not only I dislike it, I hate it! You don't come near me for benefits, I had nothing with me, and I don't buy that anyway.
I wonder if choosing to be compliant and follow others flow will ease your life even if it's working on the wrong thing, doing it the wrong way, or even close your eyes and just don't care. I admit I can be stubborn at some point, I only believe it when I try it out myself, you don't judge. I often assume people are lazy and probably looking down on people without me realising, but you don't teach me what I suppose to do (I know it sounds a bit harsh but trust me, is not). I started working as early as 12 years old during school holiday in my aunt house to earn pocket money for graduation trip during primary school days, do you know how it feels to leave home for only a month or more to a city even though it's a relative house but a kid is still a kid. You don't see me taking a break very often because I work during most of my school break, winter break and summer break. You don't tell me that's kid part time working experience and that doesn't count, even though it does differ a little compared to this big fxxxing real world but those are the base I built while I'm young. Totally thanks to the organisations I join too that give me a wider perspective of human beings.
It does get worst when I start to doubt myself from rejecting people that once treat me like a princess. Of those confessions I say no makes me who I am now, a single person making my way into loneliness which I sometimes feel it's karma. That strong feeling hits when you get stress up with work but no one at your side to give you a hug. It became so critical now that I can't get to sleep without hugging my teddy bear. And these too indirectly make me a strong tough lady, we call it 女強人 in Chinese, I can't allow myself to fall because no one wants to see that. I think I constantly am testing my limits in all forms but sometimes those pressure really suffocate me, especially when people starts to call you and seeing you that way just because everything besides me seems fine and because I don't seem to be putting effort to find another half (I don't believe in love and hoping to find someone that make me believe in it, very contradict I know because I am a difficult person XD), honestly, I don't see myself as that capable to be addressed that way, that expectation setting is too high, I do rely on people a lot, as in a whole lot. Thanks those friends that don't shut me off though I am all the time very irritating :P
I'm a blissful person and I still count my blessing :)
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